Shut Me Up.

by Linda Leavers

I want to sob way too loudly, cry, hiccup -
try to form senseless abusive, angry words in the rain
and you to let me scream
about how I'm not whole -
and how I'm not right for you
and I'm going to mess everything up,
how I don't know who I am,
and how I don't know who or how to be.

I want you to ignore me and infuriate me,
boil my blood and ignite my bones
by touching my hair and kissing my throbbing temples
while I try to explain that I'm not right
and I'm going to hurt you.

I want you to grip my hips
and not let me move and ignore my yelling
and incessant sobbing and outrageous behavior
and just let me hit you
and let me push you
because I can't say anything
because you believe in this -
and it's so illogical, I hate you.

I hate you.

I want the thunder to frustrate me
and drown out my senseless arguments
and you to hold me so tight I struggle to breathe
and I try to push you off of me
but you ignore my shrieking doubts and murderous insecurities.

Shut me up and kiss me in this storm
because you don't know what else to do
and I can't shut up or stop crying like an irrational child.

The water will run down my face
and down my arms, and I'll try to slip away -
but god - for the sake of my sanity,
hold me tighter
and squeeze me harder.

Just kiss me and shut me up
because that's the only way this will work.

Just grab my destroyed, tangled mess of wet knotted hair
and shut your mouth around mine
and just shut me up.