What am I doing to myself?

What am I doing to myself?

And so my journey began and life was what my god gave me, I began to live in a world where I was the victim, no one else, only I 

Like every other human, we all find a way out of things we call these our comfort zones and boy did I find my zone in the worst place, ALCOHOL.

This is a journey I took to forget things, things like being teased, growing up without knowing where your next meal would come from, abuse from not only family but your own community. All I wanted to do was FORGET THE PAIN.

I have and always knew the answers to my problem but it was like something which, until today I cannot explain, was holding me back, there was and at times there still is this big wall I have to break down, I want to know what it is?

Who am I truly fighting in side? I have learned to smile like I am this happy LITTLE BEING that lives a good life, I hide myself from the world that I so very much want to live in. I want to be known by people, leave a legacy for the next person to learn from.

Don’t lie to yourself, yes you the reader of these words, we both want to be heard, seen, and spoken of, for whatever reason you may have. I on the other side want to learn from people I want to do things that I never thought were possible for me to do.

WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?

So I saw my life passing by, no one could tell me I was wrong for this voice inside me kept on saying “IT WILL BE OK” so I move on knowing that it was going to be ok and that in due time I’d put that glass down and fix my life. Little did I know that every time it said that, I died a little inside.

“How do you feel?”, this voice said a drink I thought because there was no answer as all I thought of was PAIN as I drink in this local pub I always called my home I would see other people and hate myself for the having problems and somehow when you have them, you think everyone else doesn’t so you hate the fact that you are the only one in this world with problems.

“IT WILL BE OK”, this voice said and funny how that was the only thing that would make me move on to put on that mask with a fake smile, that knight in shining armour suit to protect myself, not realizing that I was in fact building a wall that would be hard for me to demolish.

I gave the world answers to their problems and yet for some reason I could not use them myself, 

“IT WILL BE OK”, the voice said. I soon began to see life like that but I knew that the only way for it to be ok would be for me to have to do something about it.

How thoughts of my upbringing would torment me, the fact that I was born and raised by other family members and every time my MOM came over to see me I hated the fact that I was going to be left behind in this township that turned me into to a careless freak, from transporting weapons from one criminal to the other and then having to start taking drugs at an age where most would not even think of, 6 years is the age I took my first line.

The same year I saw the first person killed in front of me and that as a child I did not care they were not helping me anyway. I was young and this was not last time they stabbed him twice in the chest and at first it all looks like they are playing and then the blood starts to come out, as they fell down to their knees, a look in their fading eyes I gave, shame is what I saw, as though they were telling me that the world they are now leaving is lost.

“IT WILL BE OK” this voice repeated, as everyone else ran and some screaming I stood there looking at this being losing energy and taking their last few breaths, how it did not make sense to me, stand up and go wash the blood off I thought but then movies some time can teach you a thing or two, as soon as I thought of how Chuck Norris did it well kill others, yes I know I was once young too, but seeing a person die on TV and later seeing them on another show I walked away.

As I turned my back I ran home to sit in that empty room where I spoke out loud to myself and hell come to think of it, I was and at time still think I’m crazy.

A part of me he took with him I think, because the next death I saw I just walked the other way not caring and lived on with not a single bit of guilt as to why I did not call for help or go to the police and tell them what I saw.

Still look at death the same way, I recently got into a car accident and later had a seizure, spent a week on a hospital bed and in the first two days I flat lined three times and as I was told of how some white lights and this so called a talk with some God or whatever you have heard from others who have not even been there, They are wrong.

I found that I could not tell the difference from where I was in this other world I was surrounded by those close to me, well those I looked at as people who somehow care for I do not know how to love and lost the art of loving because growing up I was not told, that I was loved.

“I LOVE YOU” three words I never heard throughout my childhood.

This was a place where I wanted to live in, it was a place where I did not feel pain, I hurt was nowhere to be found for I was happy. Every time my chest felt a rush I opened my eyes to hear blurry voices not being able to hear what they were saying I soon came to realize that I was alone in this world no matter how you can talk about family being there for you and some friends being there for you. I am alone and IT WILL NOT BE OK.